knows best. So please write
to her with all your music-related problems, and she
shall attempt to answer in a most condescending manner.
i have a problem my friend cleo cards says that my favorite
band, hanson sucks but i love them i love zac so much that i
want to marry him please tell me what i should tell cleo??
for taking time out of your undoubtedly hectic school schedule
to write us this slightly alarming letter, my dear girl. Its
nice to hear from a good old-fashioned chaste God-fearing young
whipper-snapper for a change instead of one of those horrid
phone-box vandalising hooligan types who want to ask me daft
questions about Papa Roach. Hanson seem like nice young fellows
to me, you could certainly take one of them home to meet your
grandmother, unlike Papa Roach, who would probably eat your
grandmother raw. As for Hansons music
. well, OK,
Im surprised that a certain young Mr M. Jackson and his
four brothers havent been taking legal action by now,
but they float the youngsters boats, or so I hear! And
Man from Milwaukee is a favourite singalong of mine,
especially while Im knitting my world-famous Bob Pollard
mustnt worry about your feelings towards this charming
young chap my dear, every teenager has crushes, and some of
them even get over them, in time
or else they turn into
mad psycho stalkers and send their idols bits of their own toes.
Or something. I mean, look at me, Ive had a crush on Bob
Pollard for 9 years and Im certainly not Bobsessed with
him! Er, um, I meant to type obsessed. Ahem! But
very soon Zac wont be a nice young lad anymore, oh no,
you mark my words missy. He will have to start shaving and his
armpits will get all smelly and hairy and he will stop taking
baths, just like every other pubescent dirtbag boy before him.
Dont say your Auntie Mave never warned you!!!
for your chum Cleo Cards, there are only two options available
to you, namely (a) tie her down, make her drink a crate of beer
and force her to listen to non-stop MmmmmBop until
she claws her own ears off, or (b) dont be her friend
any more until she gives in and pretends to like them. Myself,
Id go for the (a) option, just because itd be funny
to watch her wailing for mercy and blind drunk.
thats calmed your anxieties my dear,
Auntie Mavis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Is it me or have the crosswords in the NME got more difficult
recently? I'm having trouble filling in more than 3 answers
every week, particularly since I don't have a working knowledge
of Turin Brakes's preferred breakfast cereals or the entire
back catalogue of Sparks. (I prefer big band music myself, I
suppose I'm a little behind the times!!!) I'm beginning to become
very depressed and my hip and groovy friends won't talk to me
anymore. They think I am too stupid to hang out with because
of my crossword crisis.
Squid (Mrs.), Berwick-on-Tweed
Well, well, we are in a right pickle, aren't we. Apart from
anything else, I think your friends are quite right not to hang
out with you any more. Get a grip!!!!! Big band music indeed!!!
Who do you think you are, Captain Caveman? Move boldly into
the 17th century and listen to the Strokes instead, just like
all the NME-worshipping sheep! Pah!
That said, I have my own solution to finish the NME crossword
every week. It's quite simple: just fill in any old letters.
Who cares if they're not the right ones? And it makes it more
fun - you can try to convince your friends and family that the
name of the first-ever S Club 7 single really was 'Kwsebhgjdbexz'
(vis. "It was during their avant-garde period!" or
"It's a cover of a Brian Eno song!" - those often
work). It's your fast-track route to popularity again! Way forward!
Auntie Mavis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mi name is Little Ferd Durt I m 36 years olld and I m sing in
nu-mettal band call Limm Crackerz. Or somefing like that I cant
rember. I have drone this picctur off yu and Bobb Pollrd out
off Gided bi Voises woo yu love verry much.
I win prize?
I think I've heard of your band before - aren't they quite popular
on the Bingo Hall circuit in Skegness? However, it would appear
that you are a much better artist than you are a musician. Therefore
I am sending you a box of crayons so you can develop your real
talent, since I don't think you have much future in the fast-lane
world of the music biz.
Jimmy Savile ain't got nothin' on old Mave!)
Auntie Mavis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My darling Mavisy-poo,
I wish you would reply to my letters. We both know you're as
in love with me with me as I am with you. I know because the
magic talking rats under my bunkbed tell me so at night. So
I am sending you a big bottle of my love in a special padded
envelope so the washed-out milk bottle won't break in the post.
Sorry I could only afford to send it second-class.
you always from afar, your ickle Nempers X X X X X X X X X X
X X X
Dear oh dear oh dear. I suppose I should have learned not to
open the ultra-sticky padded envelopes with my name written
on it in something faintly
I thought it was just covered in PVA glue. Haven't they locked
you up yet, you dirty, horrid, stinking little man?As to the
contents of that disgusting bottle - well, you know the routine
by now. Sergeant Grover down at the lovely police-station will
be dropping in for a little chat with you sometime soon, with
a whole lot of his uniformed friends and a big black van for
you to go for a nice ride in.
Auntie Mavis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I apologise for seeking out your greater knowledge again (oh,
good start, good start! - MT) but I really am flummoxed.
I just bought a new digitally-remastered CD copy of the first
Neu! album and I noticed something I hadn't picked up before
on my previous rubbish old third-generation tape copy - a very
strange droning, buzzing sound in the background of 'Hallogallo'.
I just can't figure out what this instrument is, whether it's
a Moog ASX74 or a Mellotron, or a Theremin, or what! Please
help me out again!
My oh my oh my, you really do have a lot of problems, don't
you, my dear boy - that's two issues in a row that you've asked
for my help and guidance! (Mind you, having met your lady wife,
I can understand why you have so many problems.) This is an
easy puzzle for me to solve though - we never had analogue synths
back in my day, we made our own entertainment with the spoons!
(That became illegal in 1973 due to many spoons-playing-related
accidents and diseases, including Spoon Knee, Put-Out Eyeball,
and the scourge of many a spoons-player whose speciality was
knocking out tunes on their head with a spoon, VTS or Vibrating
Teeth Syndrome.) The instrument in question is a jolly old comb-and-paper!
Gosh, I haven't heard one of those being played since 1943 in
an old Andersen Shelter during an air-raid!
Whoever thought the comb-and-paper would become such an essential
creative tool in the history of avant-art Krautrock? Not me,
that's for sure!
Hope that clears up your quandary my dear lad,
Auntie Mavis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
. I can see you. At night. Through your bedroom window.
While I'm watching the Blue Tits. Which gather round your windowsill.
of love, Norton Malreward xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
GAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! NOT YOU AS BLOODY WELL!!!!! WHAT IS IT WITH
Auntie Mavis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx